Still holding on

I wish that I can talk to you. I miss you.

I wish that it didn’t end this way. I got really hurt by what you said to me.

You would never know how much you meant to me because you didn’t consider “us”.

You gave up. We haven’t really tried yet. We just had hopes and dreams.

We aren’t meant for each other. I still like you right now but I hope that I would dislike you someday.

Friends don’t give up on each other. I thought that we were more than friends.

I was dreaming of meeting you someday. I’d like to prove to you that anything is possible.

Then, maybe you aren’t worth my time anymore. You clearly don’t think so too.

I don’t want to be a drama queen anymore. You said what you had to say. I begged.

Then you become so aloof and here we are.

You’d probably forget about me. It’s better that way. I want to forget about you too.

You didn’t value my time with you.

You gave up.

You said that you are not a quitter. You aren’t really in terms of your sport and profession.

However, I was not part of your priorities. You sounded so irritated at those few moments.

Who was I really to you?

Did I even exist?

I was so gullible.

You made me feel ugly too!

Hopeful

I have been getting enough sleep lately. I am happy with that. It gives me peace of mind and I do not cry.

I still miss you. This feeling will not probably go away. We have shared a lot of things even though they were just through online.

I am slowly accepting that you will never be back. It is not necessary for you to even say hello to me on Skype or WhatsApp.

I wish that we could have just remained friends but I wanted more. I had feelings for you.

I am not sure if you had. It does not really matter – I keep saying that to myself. You still matter to me. I still care about you but maybe this feeling should go away.

I just want to be happy. I hope that I did not ruin your life or dating life.

My friends said that I should have not begged you to stay. You were decisive. You kept saying that I should accept what you have been telling me.

I hope that I will meet someone better than you someday.

Someone who will be happy to talk to me every day.

 

Deprived of sleep

I feel dizzy. I am very sleep deprived because of YOU. I have not forgotten you yet. I do not think that it is possible to forget you. I get a headache and my chest hurts whenever I think of you.

I have not sent you a message for almost 2 days which is a huge accomplishment for me. If I try, it will make me feel so miserable. Then, I would cry and feel lost again.

I have read a lot of articles today about ‘begging’ your special someone to stay. I did beg you to stay. I am so sad. I have lost my respect for you. You are a lecturer and I thought that you were decent.

I think that I am slowly hating you. I do not want to hate you.

I have compromised so much for you. You said that you did not want to get married. I agreed.

I blame myself. I really should have not loved you because you were not worth it.

You gave up on me. How could you? It is okay. You do not want to be with me. It is very difficult to accept but it ended.

Your last messages were truly hurtful.

 

Not a friend

Can I really consider being a friend for you?

I thought that I could. I am thinking that maybe we should not be friends. My friends do not destroy me. They uplift me.

What did you do?

You broke my heart.

It is okay. I will get over this.

 

I was not worth your time

I am slowly realizing that what I thought that I wanted was just in my head. You did not really mean anything you said. If you did, then I would not be writing this.

I feel like that I wasted my time but my friends said that I did not. At least, I have realized that I can be patient and forgiving always. There were a lot of times that I have felt that you took me for granted.

You did not even say ‘I love you’ even once. I think you were just stringing me along.

I wish that you have told me sooner. I am not crying while writing this.

I should probably stop writing because I am forcing my mind to think of us.

It hurts. If you were really a man, you should have called me at least and explained. You are a coward.

But, hey! You did it because you said that it was not worth it anymore. That was your reason. You did not really love me. You did not try harder. You just gave up when things became tough.

I supported you in every way that I can.

Sigh…

I am grateful and thankful that you ended ‘us’ because I cannot be with someone who is not reliable.

You made me feel less

You made me feel:

1. Hurt
2. Unpretty
3. Unwanted
4. Undesirable
5. Conflicted
6. Confused
7. Lost
8. Abandoned
9. Neglected
10. Paranoid
11. Helpless
12. Lonely
13. Broken
14. Ashamed
15. Guilty
16. Useless

… and yet I cared for you even when you were obviously pushing me away. You said that you did not dump me but what did you call your decision?

You did not even thank me for the good times that we shared or at least wished me the best.

You made me feel like there was a glimpse of hope but they were just words.

How can you be so indecisive?

If you think that our relationship had no future, why did you say those promises?

I have asked you from time to time if you are sure or not, you said yes.

I have asked you if you were afraid to be with me, you said ‘no’.

Why?

Do you still know yourself? or me? or us?

If you feel lost, then why did you stay in your current job?

I do not get it anymore.

I am tired of understanding you.

You were selfish. You do not need to be selfish always.

Sigh…

You are a lecturer in a good university and this is how you treat me?

Why? I respected you. One of my friends said that I should respect you because you are a professional.

What about me?

You have not asked about my job. You made me feel useless.

Lost faith

You should have told me that you wanted out a long time ago. You have hurt me so bad that I cannot imagine how am I supposed to love someone else. I will heal someday. I shared with you that my first time was bad. I thought that you would be the one who will make me feel better in bed. You said that you would kiss me a lot before we do it. It was one of the moments that I felt like that I have found the one. I cherished those moments. It was real. I am real. You are real.

You said that ‘good things come to those who wait’. You said that we had faith in each other. I believed your ‘words’. I should have known that I cannot count on words alone. The last one made a lot of promises too.

I am blaming myself. Why did I believe you? No matter how much I said, you did not understand me completely. You did not get me. I should have not put a lot of pressure on you. You were always busy.

I supported you all the way. I waited for you every early morning because that is the time that you were about to go home there in your place. I thought you appreciated my effort of waking up and sending you kissing smileys. You have not acknowledged that effort. You did not ask. I was the one who sent you sweet messages religiously.

You did not like it. I am not the right woman for you. I may not be able to find the right person for me. I hope that he will find me. I need to find myself first.

Ask Yourself

1. If I think about this, will it improve my situation? NO
2. If I contact him excessively, will I become happy? NO
3. If I wait for his message, will I feel relieved? NO
4. If I ask what went wrong, will he answer me? NO
5. If I want to know what he is up to, will it benefit me? NO
6. If I ask him about the massages, will it do me any good? NO
7. If I ask him if he is seeing somebody else, will I be happy? NO
8. If I ask him if he misses me, will I be happy? NO
9. If I ask if he loved me, will I get an answer? NO
10. If I ask him what he likes in his ideal girl, will it make me happy? NO
11. If I ask him if I mattered to him, will it make sense? NO
12. If I tell him that I have been crying, will it affect him? NO
13. If I ask him if we still have a future, will I find a good answer? NO
14. If I wait for him to change his mind, will it be good for me? NO
15. If I ask him if he did want to have sex with me, will it make me feel sexy? NO
16. If I ask him what he liked about me the most, will I feel a sense of peace? NO
17. If I ask him if he ever goes to Asia, will he visit me, will I be happy with that thought? NO

There are all what-ifs that will never happen because it is not meant to happen anyway so please MARISSA move on.

Spend time with yourself and just stay away from dating right now.

You are not in a good place yet. You need to become successful to be less needy.

You do not need a man to be happy or make you feel pretty.

It is not right. If you will not try to change, then when will you?

You deserve something better in your life.

He cannot give you that. No one can but you. You relied too much on him and what happened? It made you feel so lost and empty. It made you feel like you were about to die. You felt like life is not worth it anymore. You have a chance. You are beautiful. You never stop being curious about your environment. You continue to learn and connect with others. Do not lose hope. It is not you! You are resilient. You are more than this. You are more than what he thought of you. Yes, you can be difficult and demanding but you just wanted to be loved and cared for. Is that wrong? NO. He is just that not into you. So sad but it is okay. He is not for you and you are not meant to be with him either. He might change. Yes, he will because people change. You do not need to wait. It is not an option to wait because it will not make you happy. He is not you. He is not going to be that person whom you want him to be. So please move on.